
Attachment styles have become a widely recognized framework for understanding relationships. Popularized through the book Attached and forming the foundation of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), understanding attachment styles has helped countless people better understand how they connect with others.
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, identifies four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These styles describe how we relate to others based on early experiences with caregivers.
A secure attachment style develops when caregivers are consistently responsive and supportive.
An anxious attachment style can emerge when a child experiences inconsistent caregiving, leading to a fear of abandonment.
An avoidant attachment style may form when a caregiver is emotionally distant or unresponsive, prompting the child to rely on themselves rather than others.
These styles have become a popular lens for understanding relationship dynamics and have provided profound insights into why we connect, or struggle to connect, in relationships. However, while attachment styles are valuable, they don’t tell the full story.
This is where attachment stories come in.
What Are Attachment Stories?
Attachment stories are the deeply held beliefs we develop about ourselves in response to our early relationships, especially with primary caregivers. They’re the inner narratives that shape how we see ourselves and others: Am I lovable? Am I enough? Can I trust people to be there for me?
These stories are what cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) refers to as core negative beliefs, and in EMDR therapy, they are called negative cognitions. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), they are often referred to as stories—and this term is intentional. Viewing these beliefs as stories helps us create space between who we are and what we believe about ourselves. This practice, known as cognitive defusion, allows us to see our attachment stories as narratives we carry, rather than as fixed truths about our identity.
As young children, we rely on our caregivers for survival, and naturally, we try to make sense of their actions, both positive and negative. When a caregiver’s behavior is inconsistent, unavailable, or overly critical, a child’s developing brain often interprets this as “something must be wrong with me.” For example:
• A child whose caregiver frequently dismissed their emotions might grow up believing, “My feelings don’t matter.”
• A caregiver who was unpredictable or unavailable might lead a child to develop the belief, “I can’t rely on others.”
• A child who felt criticized or compared to others might internalize the story, “I’m not good enough.”
While it’s natural and understandable for a young brain to form these interpretations, they are not accurate reflections of what was truly happening. These stories were created to make sense of complex situations with the limited understanding of a child, but they are just that—stories.
In adulthood, these attachment stories continue to influence how we see ourselves and others. They become the lens through which we navigate relationships, often without us realizing it. While these beliefs are typically unconscious, they can often be the root cause of misunderstandings or emotional distance between people.
Why Attachment Stories Matter in Relationships
Our attachment stories don’t stay tucked away in childhood. They follow us into adulthood, showing up in romantic relationships, friendships, and even at work. These stories often dictate our emotional triggers and the negative cycles we fall into with others. For example:
• Someone with a story of “I’m not enough” may become overly accommodating in friendships, fearing rejection if they assert themselves.
• A person with “I can’t trust others” might avoid vulnerability in romantic relationships, keeping partners at a distance.
• At work, someone who believes “I need to prove my worth” might overwork themselves, constantly seeking validation from colleagues or managers.
Unlike attachment styles, which can vary from one relationship to another, attachment stories tend to remain consistent across all areas of life. They are the lens through which we interpret the world and the beliefs we try to repair through our interactions with others.
How I Use Attachment Stories in Therapy
When working with couples, I start by meeting with both partners together to understand their dynamic. Then, I meet with each individual separately for two or three sessions. This process allows me to uncover their attachment stories—the beliefs they bring into the relationship.
Why is this important? Because these stories often lie at the heart of a couple’s negative cycles. One partner’s fear of not being enough might collide with the other’s fear of being abandoned, creating a push-pull dynamic that neither person fully understands. By identifying these stories, we can begin to untangle the triggers and patterns that keep them stuck.
This framework is just as valuable when working with individuals. By exploring their attachment stories, clients gain deeper insight into their triggers, behaviors, and relationship patterns. This self-awareness becomes a powerful tool for creating meaningful change—whether it’s improving communication, setting boundaries, or learning to trust themselves and others.
The goal isn’t to erase attachment stories—they’re a natural part of being human. Instead, the aim is to recognize them for what they are: stories, not facts. Through awareness and self-compassion, we can begin to loosen their grip and respond to our relationships with greater clarity and intention.
Reflect on Your Attachment Story
To start exploring your attachment story, ask yourself the following:
What are the recurring beliefs you hold about yourself in relationships?
How do these beliefs influence your reactions and patterns with others?
Where do you notice similar patterns showing up—whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or work?
Next time you feel triggered in a conversation or situation, pause and ask yourself: “What belief is behind this reaction? Does it tie back to something from my past?”
Understanding your attachment story is the first step to building healthier, more connected relationships—at home, at work, and everywhere in between.
Let’s Work Together
If you’d like to learn more about how attachment stories shape your relationships and discover how to rewrite the narratives that no longer serve you, I’d love to help. Whether you’re navigating challenges in your romantic relationship, friendships, at work, or are simply seeking personal growth, understanding your attachment story is a powerful first step.
Set up an appointment or consultation today to start exploring your story and creating the connection and clarity you deserve.
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