Attachment Stories: The Hidden Beliefs Shaping Your Relationships

Attachment styles have become a well-known way to make sense of how we relate to others. Popularized by the book Attached and forming a key part of Emotionally Focused Therapy ( (EFT), these styles help many people understand their patterns in relationships.

Originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory identifies four main styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These describe how early interactions with caregivers shape the ways we connect with others.

A secure attachment arises when caregivers respond reliably and lovingly.

An anxious style often develops from inconsistent caregiving, causing fear of abandonment.

Avoidant attachment can result from emotionally distant or unavailable caregivers, leading a child to depend mainly on themselves.

While attachment styles provide a useful framework, they only tell part of the story. To truly understand how our past shapes our relationships, we need to look deeper. This is where at the attachment stories we tell ourselves.

What Are Attachment Stories?

Attachment stories are the underlying beliefs we form about ourselves based on our early relationships. These internal narratives shape how we view ourselves and others. Questions like “Am I worthy of love?” or “Can I count on others?”come from these stories.

In different therapeutic approaches, these beliefs go by various names: core negative beliefs in cognitive behavioral therapy, negative cognitions in EMDR, or simply "stories" in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Calling them stories is intentional. It helps create distance between who we are and what we believe, opening the door to change.

As children, we try to make sense of our caregivers’ behavior. When caregivers are inconsistent, unavailable, or critical, children often conclude that the problem lies within themselves. For example:

A child whose feelings were dismissed may grow up believing, “My emotions don’t matter.”

If caregivers were unpredictable, the belief “I can’t rely on others” might take hold.

Repeated criticism can lead to “I’m not good enough.”

These stories aren’t accurate reflections of reality but rather attempts by a young mind to understand complex situations with limited information.

Why Attachment Stories Matter

Though these stories form in childhood, they don’t stay there. They influence how we navigate adult relationships: romantic, social, and professional. They often fuel emotional triggers and repetitive patterns:

Someone who believes “I’m not enough” might avoid asserting themselves in friendships, fearing rejection.

A belief of “I can’t trust others” can make romantic vulnerability difficult.

At work, feeling “I need to prove my worth” can lead to burnout as a person constantly seeks validation.

Unlike attachment styles, which can shift between relationships, attachment stories tend to be consistent and shape how we interpret every interaction.

How I Use Attachment Stories in Therapy

When working with couples, I first meet with them together to understand their relationship dynamics. Then I meet individually with each partner to explore their personal attachment stories, the beliefs they bring into the relationship. These stories often explain the negative cycles couples get stuck in. For example, one partner’s fear of being “not enough” might trigger the other’s fear of abandonment, creating a push-and-pull that feels confusing and painful.

The same approach applies to individual therapy. Understanding these stories helps clients gain insight into their triggers and relationship patterns, empowering them to make intentional changes, whether that means improving communication, setting boundaries, or learning to trust.

The goal isn’t to erase these stories. They are a natural part of being human. Instead, we learn to see them for what they are: stories, not facts. This awareness, combined with self-compassion, allows us to respond differently and more clearly to relationships.

Start Exploring Your Own Attachment Story

To start exploring your attachment story, ask yourself:

What beliefs about myself keep showing up in my relationships?

How do these beliefs affect my reactions or behaviors with others?

Do these patterns appear across romantic, social, and work relationships?

When you notice feeling triggered, try pausing to ask: “What story is behind this reaction? Could it be linked to something from my past?” Understanding these stories is a crucial step toward healthier, more connected relationships in all areas of life.

If you want to dive deeper into how your attachment stories shape your relationships and start rewriting the narratives that no longer serve you, I’m here to help. Whether you’re facing challenges with a partner, friends, at work, or seeking personal growth, understanding your story is a powerful starting point.

Schedule a consultation today and take the first step toward the clarity and connection you deserve.