College Admissions Anxiety: When Decisions Feel Like Identity and How Parents Can Support Their Teens

Each spring, families brace themselves for college decision notifications. What looks like a series of emails and portal updates often carries enormous emotional weight. As a parent of two children already in college, I know all too well how challenging this process can be, for both students and their parents. It is a period where the next academic step can easily feel like a referendum on identity, capability, and future possibility.

Because I know many families are navigating this high-pressure season right now, I wanted to provide a resource to help manage the anxiety that so often accompanies it. I asked Ari Fox, LCSW-R to discuss this topic because he and his team are truly excellent. It was a pleasure to have the opportunity to discuss these nuances with him, and I highly recommend his practice to any family who may be struggling with this transition.

Ari is the founder and director of Cope With School NYC, which specializes in supporting students through school-related stress, anxiety, ADHD, learning differences, social challenges, and significant academic transitions, including the move to college. While my work at Values Aligned Therapy helps adults and couples approach major life decisions through a values-based lens, both of our practices share a commitment to helping individuals move through difficult transitions with steadiness and emotional clarity.

Here is our conversation on how to support your teen (and yourself) through the college admissions process.

Q&A with Ari Fox, LCSW-R

Jackie Ourman: Why does the college admissions process feel so emotionally loaded for both teens and parents?

Ari Fox: College represents much more than academics. For teens, it often symbolizes independence, belonging, and validation. For parents, it can represent years of guidance, investment, and hope. When an acceptance letter arrives, it can feel affirming. When a rejection arrives, it can feel deeply personal. The process quickly becomes intertwined with identity rather than remaining a practical decision.

Jackie Ourman: How do you help students separate self-worth from admissions outcomes?

Ari Fox: We help teens understand that admissions decisions reflect institutional priorities, enrollment goals, and timing. They are not measures of character, intelligence, or long-term potential. In therapy, we focus on strengthening internal anchors such as resilience, adaptability, curiosity, and self-confidence. Those qualities matter far more in the long run than any single school name. We also normalize disappointment. Feeling sad or frustrated does not mean something has gone wrong. It simply means something mattered.

Jackie Ourman: When does typical stress cross into anxiety or depression that may require professional support?

Ari Fox: Some stress is expected during senior year. However, if you notice persistent sleep disruption, appetite changes, withdrawal from friends, increased irritability, difficulty concentrating, or statements that reflect hopelessness about the future, those are signals that additional support may be helpful. If stress begins interfering with daily functioning, it is important to take that seriously. Early support during the college admissions process can prevent symptoms from escalating during an already vulnerable developmental transition.

Jackie Ourman: What role do parents play in shaping their teen’s anxiety during this process?

Ari Fox: Parents play a powerful regulatory role. Teens are highly attuned to parental reactions, even subtle ones. Comments about comparison, rankings, or perceived outcomes can unintentionally increase pressure. When parents emphasize fit, growth, and emotional well-being, teens tend to feel more grounded.

It is also important for parents to reflect on their own narratives. Anxiety about security, opportunity, or unresolved experiences from their own past can quietly influence how this moment feels. Parent counseling can provide space to process those emotions constructively so they do not spill into family dynamics.

Jackie Ourman: How should parents respond to rejection letters or waitlists?

Ari Fox: Validation is the most important first step. A simple acknowledgment such as, "I can see how disappointed you are," creates emotional safety. Avoid rushing to immediate solutions or silver linings. Resilience develops when teens feel their emotions are respected rather than minimized. Once the initial emotional wave settles, families can revisit options from a more grounded and collaborative place.

Jackie Ourman: How can families approach the final decision in a psychologically healthy way?

Ari Fox: Shift from asking, "What is the ‘best’ school on paper?" to asking, "Where is my teen most likely to thrive academically, socially, and emotionally?" Consider factors such as class size, available learning support, campus culture, geographic distance from home, and access to mental health resources. A school that aligns with a student’s temperament and needs often supports long-term confidence and well-being more effectively than one chosen primarily for reputation or rankings.

A healthy decision is one where the teen feels a sense of ownership. There may still be mixed emotions. That is developmentally appropriate. What matters most is that the process strengthens autonomy rather than undermines confidence.

Looking for Support?

College admissions can feel like an identity decision, but with thoughtful guidance, it can instead become a growth experience that builds resilience and emotional maturity.

At Cope With School NYC, therapists regularly support students and families through school transitions at every level. Whether a family is navigating anxiety, conflict about decision-making, or concerns about emotional readiness for college, having a neutral and supportive space can make a meaningful difference.

To learn more about therapy and parent counseling services available in person on the Upper West Side and throughout New York State via secure telehealth, visit Cope With School NYC.