Identity After Achievement: A Conversation with Laura Collins, The Athlete Psychotherapist, on Who We Are Beyond Performance

In my work, I sit with people who are thoughtful, driven, and deeply committed to doing things well. They are used to showing up, following through, sometimes even pushing themselves too much, especially when things get hard.

And for a long time, that works. Until one day they've achieved everything they set out to achieve, and the feeling they expected to find there isn't waiting for them. What is there is uncertainty. And for people who are used to knowing exactly what to do next, that's disorienting.

To explore this more, I reached out to my colleague Laura Collins, a psychotherapist and former elite athlete who works closely with athletes and high-performing individuals navigating identity, pressure, and transition.

What came out of that conversation was something I think a lot of high achievers need to hear. What happens when achievement stops working as an anchor. How to recognize it. And what it actually looks like to start relating to yourself differently, without giving up the drive that got you here.

Q: I've been noticing that many of the people I work with are incredibly capable and high-achieving. But underneath that, they're asking some version of: Why doesn't this feel like I thought it would? Why can't I enjoy this? Isn't it supposed to be enough?

From your perspective, what's actually happening there?

Laura: I think a lot of high-performing people (athletes, executives, entrepreneurs) learn early on a way of being I think of as "Achievement Living."

Like goal posts, working toward something creates structure, direction, a sense of purpose, maybe even a sense of worth. When they arrive at a goal, there's a moment of "achievement," that feeling of reward that can feel so good, a surge of dopamine in the brain.

But high performers are not used to resting on their laurels. They like to test their boundaries, pushing themselves toward "the next," often a bigger, better, more challenging goal. The cycle gets reinforced: goal → process → goal → process…

Which isn't inherently a bad thing.

But when achievement becomes the primary focus, those goals can start to carry more than they were ever meant to hold. It 's no longer what you do. It becomes how you understand yourself. Identity, sense of worth, meaning.And when that happens, there's often very little space for anything that doesn't fit neatly into performance. Things like uncertainty, emotional experience, or even just being without doing.

I'm sure you've met many high performers who say they get bored or restless if they have a day off. Just last week, one of my athletes (who just finished their season) asked me, "What do I do with all this time?",Just being, without doing, doesn't feel productive for many of them. When people reach a point where achievement isn't giving them the same sense of grounding or clarity, it can feel disorienting.

Q: That makes a lot of sense. I see that disorientation too, especially when people try to respond by doing more of what has "always worked."

What do you think about that?

Laura: You're spot on. Because it has worked, or at least did work, in the past. It's conditioned. If pushing through, staying disciplined, and focusing on outcomes have helped you succeed for most of your life, it's completely natural to go back to those strategies when something feels off.

The challenge is that those same strategies may no longer address what's actually happening, emotionally, mentally, even relationally. Like the person who has been feeling in a rut, but doesn't tell loved ones because they think they "should be able to handle it," or they "don't want to burden others." So instead, they focus on work or their sport or their craft, because historically that's where they feel more control.

It becomes a loop: the more disconnected or uncertain they feel, the more they double down on performance, and the more they double down, the further from themselves they can feel. They'll say things like, "I just don't feel myself."

Q: That loop feels really familiar.When you're working with someone in that space, how do you begin to help them shift out of it, especially when letting go of performance as the primary anchor can feel so uncomfortable?

Laura: Well, if people need their performance, especially at the beginning, I actually don't think it's about letting go of performance entirely or right away. Performance may be the very thing holding them together, at least for now. It is more about expanding the way people relate to themselves.

For many high performers, identity has been organized around results, the doing, improving, and progressing toward winning and achieving. Part of the work is gently introducing and normalizing the possibility that there are other ways of knowing yourself that don't depend on output. That might look like noticing what's happening internally in real time. Or becoming curious about emotional responses instead of immediately trying to manage or override them.

At first, that can feel unfamiliar. Sometimes even scary. Certainly inefficient. I've had someone say, "What's the point of feeling these emotions? It's the worst! I can't concentrate." But over time, it actually creates more options, more flexibility.

The same person who once asked, "What's the point?" later said, "Once I realized I was feeling alone and overwhelmed, I told myself, 'I'm going to reach out to [friend's name] because I just miss him. I miss my friend.' And I did, I called him. And it was really good. He was missing me too. I realized that I am not alone."

Listening to ourselves helps us stay connected, and respond to ourselves, even as we continue to pursue goals.

Q: I like that. The idea that this isn't about giving up ambition, but about relating to it differently.

Before we wrap, is there a question or reflection you often offer to people who are beginning to feel this shift?

Laura: One question I come back to is:

What parts of me only get space when I'm not performing?

In other words: Who am I when I'm not performing? It's not a question to answer quickly. Take your time with it. Be thoughtful in how you respond, and open to what you might learn about yourself.

Because for a lot of high-performing people, there are parts of themselves that have been set aside, not intentionally, but because they didn't seem relevant to the goal. And once you have awareness of those parts, reconnecting with them doesn't take away from your goals or performance. If anything, it supports a more sustainable way of living.

I've been thinking about that question since we spoke.

For people who have always known how to push through, stay focused, and get things done, there's often a moment when those strategies start to feel incomplete. Not wrong. Just incomplete.

That gap isn't a signal that something broke. It's more like the first indication that there's more of you than performance has been making room for.

To learn more about Laura's work with athletes and high-performing individuals, visit lcollinslcsw.com.